the choice between what is right and what is easy

I'm at a bit of a cross roads. I have recently gotten a new job working out in queens at a medical center. The hours are a little odd I'd be working 3pm to 11:45 pm mon-fri, and alternatig sat. Still it's 10x better then my curent hours and days at the data center. Pluss the commute is only about an hour each way.

So the new job is A+, but the hours have my mom worried. I'm kind of worried about travling late my self. This has promted my mom to ask me to move to Long Island and live out in the country house out there. I could learn to drive and get some stupid easy job out there, and have lots of time for painting and drawing.

All I ever wanted was to be able to make things, but where would that leave Charles? He needs to live indepently of his parents to get HIOP, and I don't think he could swing it on his own. When I started assisting Charles with college I thought to my self, if I do one thing it will be this.

I dedicated my self to his sucess, I took a job at the Data Center, got an appartment close to Pratt and made sure to try and save enough to pay all the bills incase he couldn't cover his share. As my hectic work schedual became more taxing I found less time for drawing. I never let it go compeletly, but I am streched a little. I haven't given up on anything, I'm still making costumes, drawing, thinking up new projects but the lack of sleep shows, the lack of 'thereness' shows.

I rember in art history class when they talked about the geinus of Gauguin, that they talked of him moving to the ocanic to persue his strange visionary astetic. He gave up his steady job and went forth to become a painter, when he moved he left behind his wife and 5 children. He is quoted as saying "I could not feed my family and ambission both". My professor took this as a mark of his great deadication to his work, to give up the security of an ordinary life in order to make great work. But I always thought he was kind of a jerk for it. Couldn't he have found a way to keep his kids and still paint? Is there such a thing as a part time geinus part time banker?



On the other hand, putting everthing on Charles sucess, might just be another kind of cowradice. Saving me from facing my own failures, like it's ok if I don't make it b/c I could of been a sucess; but I gave it all up for Charles who had more fiscaly pratical dreams. Is banking on Charles future a way of not facing my own?


I think that, I need to stay the course at least until Charles starts school. We'll know soon if he'll be getting free dorm, if so then I may just tread water until then. If he gets free dorm I can just work at this new job for like 6 months and then quit if I want to. Well that assumes my mom will still want me to take the other house then. Wich she may not.

--filthy girl (no danm hot watter yesterday so I skiped showering)